Living With Disappointment (Article)

Life is life.  It is filled with disappointments.  It is filled with things that one wishes could have had a better outcome.  My relationships have been challenged in ways that I never thought possible. At this time in my life, I am finding it difficult to engage in relationships at all. I have been disappointed with them and that makes me human.  I am ok with being human.  I am honest.  I am ok with being honest.  Questions. Where are you?  What has life done to you?  What are you feeling in your gut that you are afraid to share for fear that someone might actually think that you are a real person.  In case you are still trying to hide.  God gave you those emotions for a reason.  The same way that He gave them to me.  Disappointment is real.  I am telling you ahead of time there is no happy ending for this writing.  It just is what it is.  I am ok with that.

Let’s define disappointment.  Disappointment is a noun and is defined via the Cambridge Online dictionary as, “the unhappiness or discouragement that results when your hopes or expectations have not been satisfied, or the unhappiness or discouragement that results when someone or something that is not as good as you had hoped or expected.

There is a lot to unpack in this definition.  For all of my positivity seekers.  This is going to be a negative experience for you.  Sorry no good, happy thoughts or feelings for you here.  Just raw, honest truth.  I am disappointed with the Body of Christ who knows that God is real.  Yet, they refuse to walk and talk like He is.  I am disappointed with the Body of Christ who has been presented real evidence by myself and others that the “Revival” that has been prophesied by so many is not real.  I am disappointed by the Body of Christ who knows that they are being tricked and deceived but refuse to call people evil.  In my case, Evangelist/Pastor Barbara Lynch and her band of false prophets and supporters.  I am disappointed in the people who have been brought the truth yet this is not enough for them seek freedom.  I am disappointed by Naomi Nichols, who pretended that she saw the evil for what it was.  I am disappointed by those who continue to support not only the system in the Lighthouse Inc., Church but other churches who operate like this.  I am disappointed that there was no outcry against the ungodly behavior of Evangelist/Pastor Barbara Lynch.  I am disappointed by the Body of Christ who continues to support everyone associated with Paul Cain, Bob Jones, The Kansas City Prophets, Lou Engle, Cindy & Mike Jacobs, Todd Bentley, Che’ Ann, Bishop Garlington, Jennifer LeClaire, the Apostolic Council of Prophetic Elders, Chuck Pierce, etc.  There is no end in sight to their reign of terror over the Body of Christ. 

Rush Limbaugh said it best, “These people know what they are doing!  Stop acting like they don’t know.  They do know and they are in agreement with what is going on in the Church.  Stop acting like if they were presented different information that they would make a different decision.  They will not make a different decision.  They cannot make a different decision because deep down on the inside they are in agreement with the corruption that is taking place within the Body of Christ.  It is what it is.  I had to start believing this.  It is disappointing to believe this but the reality is there are people in the Body of Christ who want to remain neutral and pretend that everything is ok.

King Solomon shared his most intimate thoughts in Ecclesiastes.  He was honest.  Sometimes honesty can feel dark.  Sometimes you need that darkness to see His (God’s) light. 

Ecclesiastes 1:  12 – 18 (NKJV)

“12 I, the Preacher, was king over Israel in Jerusalem. 13 And I set my heart to seek and search out by wisdom concerning all that is done under heaven; this burdensome task God has given to the sons of man, by which they may be exercised. 14 I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and indeed, all is vanity and grasping for the wind.  15 What is crooked cannot be made straight, and what is lacking cannot be numbered. 16 I communed with my heart, saying, “Look, I have attained greatness, and have gained more wisdom than all who were before me in Jerusalem. My heart has understood great wisdom and knowledge.” 17 And I set my heart to know wisdom and to know madness and folly. I perceived that this also is grasping for the wind.  18 For in much wisdom is much grief, and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow.”

King Solomon was given this wisdom, experiential knowledge, to share with us his darkest thoughts.  Ecclesiastes is a book that is meant for those who think.  Of recent times, I have found myself going through grief on several different levels and in several different areas.  All of them are devastating and a burden that I am having to carry.  I am not ashamed of that burden.  It fits with my life.  It fits with what I have been called to do.  I can honestly say that I am constantly being misunderstood and subject to periods of solitude.  There are times when I prefer to be alone.  There are times when I prefer the companionship of my fellow man.  Not as I will but as God wills for me.  I have always been alone.  I have found peace in these places.  I understand that there are some thoughts that must be birthed in complete solitude.  Nothing special about me or people like me, it’s just the way that we were created.  I have never been afraid of this.  King Solomon and others in the Bible were alone and God gave them the grace to manage.  I trust that God has given me the same grace.

When it comes to disappointment, I know that there is no way that I am immune to disappointment. It is a cross that every human must bear.  To not have to endure disappointment would be tantamount to not being human.  I take comfort in the knowledge that Jesus Himself went through periods of disappointment.  For me this year disappointment just seems to be where God has landed me.  I see things differently than most people and I am ok with that.  I have been a clone or one who favors group think.  I celebrate my individuality.  This gets me in trouble often and I am not in any way equating myself with King Solomon, but I certainly have felt the way that he felt in these passages found in Ecclesiastes.  In reality it does not matter how much or how little you have; it does not matter how much you know or how little you know.  It all must go through the tunnel of disappointment.  You must learn to live with disappointment.

There are times when I wish that I was ignorant and a complete baffoon in all things.  Baffoons seem to enjoy life and have a lasting joy that knows no ends.  I cannot plausibly deny that God has graced me with insight and revelation but there are times when I just wish that I could be like everyone else.  Bearing knowledge truly only increases sorrow.  I remember I was given an exit interview from my previous employer.  I was asked what I would change about my employment experience.  I told the representative that I wish that they would have never hired one of my previous bosses.  This person was very good at what they did.  They made us all look professional.  They were a leader in every sense of the word.  This person inspired growth and potential.  There were other people who were hired for the same position, and they did not have the same way of doing the job.  This made the job a burden.  My point to the representative was it would have been better for me to never know how good it was supposed to be only to have it taken away and given to someone who would never do the job right.  The knowledge of it being done right brought me sorrow.

I am fortunate. I had people who cared and taught me things and set standards of excellence in my life.  It was challenging but it made life more satisfying.  The world has changed in recent years and those standards have been dumbed down.  Not by me but by those in the world who seek to destroy us.  I find myself not being as fulfilled as I once was and that is a lot to manage over time and under the burden of grief.  There was always a standard in the Word.  This standard has been dropped by the Church.  We can find very few competent people in the Body of Christ.  Those who are competent are subject to ridicule and misuse by those in the Body of Christ who seek to exploit the Body of Christ.  There are pretenders.  There are those who think they know.  There are those who are capable of being true but have chosen to be mediocre.  This is disappointing.  This is grievous to my soul. 

You are right this is very judgmental of me.  At this point I would encourage you to go ahead and stop reading because more judgmentalism is going to be coming.  When you realize that “the unhappiness or discouragement that you are experiencing as a result of your hopes or expectations not being satisfied, or the unhappiness or discouragement that you are experiencing as a result of someone or something that turns out to be not as good as you had hoped or expected becomes real.  Something inside of you changes.  Something inside of you dies.  I am a real person.  I am being honest.  I am sharing honest feelings with you.  Something inside dies.   This is a hurt that only a relationship with God can heal.  This is a disappointment that only God can comfort you through.  Man cannot do this, only God can.

2 Corinthians 1:  3 – 11 (NKJV)

“3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5 For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ. 6 Now if we are afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effective for enduring the same sufferings which we also suffer. Or if we are comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation. 7 And our hope for you is steadfast, because we know that as you are partakers of the sufferings, so also you will partake of the consolation.

8 For we do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, of our trouble which came to us in Asia: that we were burdened beyond measure, above strength, so that we despaired even of life. 9 Yes, we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves but in God who raises the dead, 10 who delivered us from so great a death, and does deliver us; in whom we trust that He will still deliver us, 11 you also helping together in prayer for us, that thanks may be given by many persons on our behalf for the gift granted to us through many.”

Well there is the ugly truth straight from the mouth of Paul.  You are going to be disappointed.  You are going to go through times when life will be life.  If this happened to Paul, it will happen to you.  Pual did not rely on himself.  Paul learned to rely upon the Spirit of God.  There is nothing that can do for me.  Man cannot bring me the comfort that I need to survive the disappointments of life.  God can.  Man will fail you every time.  Man will disappoint you.  But God in his sovereignty will make things right.  It will not be in your timing.  Paul admitted that he thought he was going to die.  If he can admit that he had lost hope why can’t we?  It’s because we are so deep.  It’s because we have an image to keep up with.  I have no such images of myself.  I don’t have a reputation.  I don’t have an image to protect.  You can call me whatever you want to call me.  I am ok with that – click here.

There is a secular artist who has the following lyrics in a song that she sings.  The lyrics are as follows, “I never knew I could hurt like this…” These are some real lyrics.  The person who wrote these lyrics understands grief.  If you know, then you know know.  Grief encompasses not only the death of a loved one but the death of an ideal, the death of a dream, the death of a vision.  We love to talk about the Abraham putting Isaac on the altar and Abraham’s faith but what would have happened if God would have let Isaac die?  What emotions do you think Abraham would have went through?  There are going to be times when you are tested beyond what you possibly can imagine.  There are going to be times when the dream that God gives you is going to die.  I remember the first person that I believed that God was going to supernaturally heal.  Her name was Tina.  I had a word from God, “Tina was gonna live and do God’s work”.  Tina died.  I was devastated.  How did I miss this?  I was so sure.  Tina is still dead.

When you realize that “the unhappiness or discouragement that you are experiencing as a result of your hopes or expectations not being satisfied, or the unhappiness or discouragement that you are experiencing as a result of someone or something that turns out to be not as good as you had hoped or expected becomes real.  Something inside of you changes.  You have to grieve this.  You have to go through the pain that comes with being disappointed.  You have to look at all the evidence that was presented to you and you somehow overlooked that evidence.  I overlooked that my former pastor was in sin.  I overlooked that I was walking in deception.  I overlooked that the people who I thought were Godly and in love with God were only in love with what they could get from the ministry.  I overlooked that people were not as deep in the Bible as they claimed to be.  I overlooked that some people in the Body of Christ are only in it for the money, the power, the fame, or what they could get from God or His people.  I am disappointed.  Only God can remedy this for me.  It doesn’t just go away.  It doesn’t just vanish.

After my father died, I started having these weird dreams.  I would be at the mall and was waiting on him to meet me there.  I would be at a church function and waiting for him to arrive.  I would arrive at different functions and they would tell me that he just left, I just missed him.  I hate these dreams.  They always ended with me awaking to the reality that he was gone and that I would never see him on this side of eternity.  I would fall apart in the dreams.  I would shake violently and the sorrow was off the charts.  The dreams stopped for a season and now I have been having them with my mother.  Same thing except now, I miss both of them.  Go to an event waiting to see them both and they just left or I just missed them.  Same thing repeatedly.  This past week has just been awful.  Nothing has went as planned.  Everything is not aligning as it should.  I found myself in the same feeling as these dreams.  Gut wrenching pain, sorrow off the charts and nothing comforted me.  I am disappointed.  I found myself in a state of complete and utter devastation.  No one could help me. 

When all is said and done.  The harsh reality of the failure of people just continuous slapped me in the face.  This is not a fun place.  When you keep seeing and living in the reality that people will fail you.  They will disappoint you.  Yes, I judged them.  I judged them all.  They needed it.  I needed it.  I needed to acknowledge that my feelings were real.  I needed to acknowledge that my perceptions about people were real.  The people in my life suck.  The adults in my life suck.  There is nothing that I can do about this.  I can’t make them unsuck.  I can’t make them do the right thing.  I can only live my life and do what’s right.  If no one in my life does what’s right.  It’s not on me.  I hoped it would be different.  I hoped that people would treat me with the same love and affection that I treat them.  I have learned that they are not willing to do this.  Yep! They are not willing for whatever reason to give me the same courtesy that I give them.  Are they capable of doing this?  Yes, they are.  It's a choice that they are making.  This is where the disappointment comes in real hard.  This is where disappointment becomes real.

Genesis 37:  5 – 10 NKJV

5 Now Joseph had a dream, and he told it to his brothers; and they hated him even more. 6 So he said to them, “Please hear this dream which I have dreamed: 7 There we were, binding sheaves in the field. Then behold, my sheaf arose and also stood upright; and indeed your sheaves stood all around and bowed down to my sheaf.”  8 And his brothers said to him, “Shall you indeed reign over us? Or shall you indeed have dominion over us?” So they hated him even more for his dreams and for his words.  9 Then he dreamed still another dream and told it to his brothers, and said, “Look, I have dreamed another dream. And this time, the sun, the moon, and the eleven stars bowed down to me.” 10 So he told it to his father and his brothers; and his father rebuked him and said to him, “What is this dream that you have dreamed? Shall your mother and I and your brothers indeed come to bow down to the earth before you?”

I honestly don’t know where I fit in this story in relation to Joseph.  Am I hated?  I think so.  What have I done to be hated, I really don’t know.  At this point I don’t think that’s important.  What is important is to know that sometimes we are minding our own business and God hand picks us to do something special for Him.  Joseph had no idea where his life was going.  He was just a kid that God gave a dream too.  Joseph didn’t know what God’s plan was but God did.  Sometimes what you can’t see is that God is working out His plan for your life.  Sometimes you just need to keep minding your own business and just let God do what He intends to do.  I fully believe that Joseph had no control over his brothers or his father and his mother.  Joseph was a victim in all of this.  Joseph didn’t give himself those dreams.  God did that.  Joseph didn’t intentionally try to get his brothers to hate him.  He was innocent.  Joseph went through some hurt and some pain before God brought His plan to pass for Joseph’s life.  Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers, and the rest is history.  Joseph went through disappointments before God could take him into his destiny.  Joseph had to live with disappointments.  He could not run away from them and neither can you.  I don’t know what the end of my story will be.  I just know that I am here and I want to do something for God.  Who knows what that will be.  I don’t.  I just know that life is not fair and sometimes the people in your life will suck like the people in Joseph’s life. 

My experience with disappointments has been real.  When you are disappointed there are a wide range of emotions that hit you.  There is a loneliness that comes upon you that is filled with pain.  This loneliness cannot be taken away by just doing things and getting over it.  There is a pain that is so real that you wish you were dead.  This pain is not removed by your inner thoughts.  These thoughts reveal how unsettled you are inside.  This not only affects you by being disappointed in others but it can also turn on yourself.  Sometimes a safe place is the noise of life but what do you when that noise quiets down and you are forced to face yourself.  Honest question if someone screams and no one hears do people even know that you have a voice.  My terror dreams are real.  They shake me to my core.  I never thought that the feelings and emotions that I had in those dreams would come out in everyday reality.  They have and they do.  The only thing that I can do is face my disappointments and share them with God.  I don’t expect for Him to fix them.  I believe that they are unfixable by Him on purpose.  This sucks but who am I?  I told you that there is no happy ending or feel good moment.  You just need to sit in it.  I do and I am better for it.  Selah!

Radiant Fire Radio Bi-Weekly Commentary

(Christopher)

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